A heartbreaking week....my darling Smokey Bear passed on.

I lost my beloved Smokey Bear this week. He had a seizure Saturday afternoon. We rushed him to the emergency and found out that he had liver cancer (3 tumors), he had internal bleeding, his blood would not clot. We had to give him a blood transfusion to bring him out of the seizure state and to stop the internal bleeding and to get his blood to clot.

We got to bring him home Sunday night. He seemed perky, definitely not healthy, but perky. He ate a good dinner of chicken and egg, then he crashed again. He stopped breathing many times in the night, his body would shudder and he would gasp for breath. He had heavily distressed labored breathing all night. There were moments that I was sure he would pass in the night.

I slept on his bed all night with him and held his paw in my hand all night.

I kissed his paw and his nose all night telling him I was letting him go and he needed to let me go, I would be all right and he needed to go with his sister. The glow around him was very dim and I knew he would most likely pass during the next day.

We brought him to our regular vet and had him euthanized. The vet sedated him, his breathing got lighter and softer. The vet hard barely injected the euthanasia medication and he was already gone. I knew that he was on his way to the light. He passed quietly. I kissed him on the nose and told him he would be forever in my heart and I know we would see each other again. I told him he could be at peace and he would be with his sister again. I told him to go with her.

I knew there was no hope to get him healthy and I knew that I did not want him to suffer any longer. I would not and will not keep an ill dog alive for myself if their quality of life is suffering. It is cruel to them and in the end just harder on you.

I love my dog dearly and am having a hard time keeping it together right now. The house is eerily silent, he is not in the places he should be, the hall way or circling us for food.
It's hard to come home from work and hear nothing. Hard to walk in the front door and not be greeted by a wagging tail and a wet nose.
I can't go home by myself right now, and I am not sure when I will be able to be to. I am not whole right now. There is a hole in my heart. Smokey Bear is gone.

My heart hurts and is heavy. I know he is in a better place with his sister who passed last year in June. They are together again, she is no longer alone and he has some one to guide him.

My heart hurts.